An Alien's Guide to Abducting a Bride — D.L. Jackson

Earth. Population 6.6 billion. Approximately fifty percent female. Finding the perfect bride should be easy. Confirmed bachelor, Tribus leader and bastard prince, Darius of the Malamagnus is ordered to Earth to procure a wife. He's found what he's looking for packaged in the five foot ten inches of sexy, jaded medical examiner-Doctor Elizabeth LaRue. Armed with an erotica novel he believes is a guide to Terran romance, Darius decides to use this instruction manual to woo her, instead of going with the standard alien abduction. Elizabeth has her own issues. A body to autopsy with concrete mob connections. A sleazy homicide detective, who doesn't know the meaning of no, and her eccentric grandmother who's escaped the nursing home. Again. When Darius strolls into her autopsy, Elizabeth adds one more problem to the list-a hot, mouth-watering stranger. She soon discovers her grandmother really is acquainted with aliens, but it seems dementia is contagious. Now, Elizabeth is not only seeing them, she's somehow managed to marry one.Darius is confused. All should be going as planned. Travel to Earth, find a woman and fly home. But, when Russian Mob boss Kazimir Volkov abducts Elizabeth first, Darius finds himself scrambling to her rescue. From hijacked busloads of bingo-playing senior citizens, to shady arms dealers and cops in donut shops, Darius learns first hand why Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. Now, it's a race against time. Darius needs to find his bride and get off Earth before he creates an intergalactic incident.Earth. Population 6.6 billion. Approximately fifty percent crazy. Escaping should be easy.